Hello and welcome personal website where I can talk about whatever I want whenever I want. It's very simplistic and kind of ugly because I dont really care how it looks, it's just a vessel for my mind.
diary
Sunday August 10th 2025
I hate that social media is the only form of socializing I get to have. I just wish I could be normal and make AND KEEP friends and I wasn't such a loser. No one really knows me, I'm just some anonymous weirdo on the internet. I've tried talking to people on games, apps, discord, I even tried a pen pal app once but after finding cool people I liked talking to, they BOTH ghosted me, and a lot of the time I didn't get a response at all. I see cool people on social media I'd like to talk to but I don't think I'd ever have the nerve to actually message someone as a way to try and make friends, that sounds terrifying actually. I kind of just operate under the assumption that everyone is only ever tolerating me, so I shouldn't push my luck by messaging anyone, or that the person I want to message could be someone who could potentially hurt me. And of course, I think about rekindling things with old friends, but I'm scared of that too. It's hard to imagine anyone would genuinely want to talk to me, that they aren't just tolerating my presence or waiting for a way to use me for their own gain. I know I should just get over it and accept being alone forever, I know I'm so incredibly repetitive, but I can't help it. I'm pathetic.
Thursday August 7th 2025
I'm so ready for 2025 to be over. I was so optimistic going into this year, I planned on doing a lot of work on myself so I thought it'd be a hard year but I got thrown so many curveballs this year that I've mostly been in survival mode so I haven't really felt safe enough to leave my comfort zone much. I still managed to make some progress with tackling my anxiety though, even if it's not as much as I planned. It's just hard to stay optimistic when your life turns even shittier than it already was. I keep going back and forth from reassuring myself that I am just trying my best and I have good intentions and I'm not a burden I just need to keep going, to feeling like I am a uniquely unlovable pathetic creature that needs to be put down immediately so I stop ruining peoples lives with my existence.
Monday July 28th 2025
I feel like I can't even complain about not having friends because it's entirely my fault. Every time I make friends my mental health tanks because I'm so anxious about them eventually leaving me. Which ends in them leaving me because I get so scared about bothering them that they're always the one initiating everything, which I realize probably makes it seem like I don't care about them when I do. In my last friendships I did actually put in more effort to try and keep them around but there was drama in our friendgroup that made it sort of hard, they used to be who I went to for support, but instead I just felt anxious and awkward all the time. I had other friends but I wasn't emotionally close with them and ended up distancing myself because I felt so depressed and sad all the time. And for a few years I actually felt better being alone, I wasn't having constant mood swings,my head felt clearer, I started to feel almost normal. But of course there's the loneliness. I don't understand why I can never have a balance, friends stress me out but having no one makes me sad. I don't really know what to do about this. I can't just go through phases of losing friends then making friends then losing them again for the rest of my life.
Friday July 25th 2025
I've been thinking about my childhood (uh oh) and how I was raised. My parents split up when I was too little to remember and I was raised by my mom. As an adult I can look back and understand my mom was under a lot of stress, she had two young children, she had no money, and was struggling with OCD that she developed after having us. But it was unfair that it had to be taken out on us. She would yell a lot, often I remember it wasn't even my fault, it was a misunderstanding or it was a mistake, she just wanted to yell about it and feel better. I would always start crying and she would yell at me to stop, I remember trying so hard not to cry and feeling like I might explode. I remember whenever she would come back afterwards she would act like everything was normal, like that never even happened, like my cheeks weren't stained with tears. She was completely oblivious to how this affected me, in fact she seemed to forget every time it would happen. Must be nice. The funny thing is she would boast about us being such well behaved kids, she never put us in time out or gave us punishments. Not that she needed to, yelling WAS the punishment. She was also neglectful, she never got me help for my anxiety that's been obvious since before I was even in school, and emotionally was very distant. We didn't talk about our feelings, it was extremely difficult for me to express myself and I was terrified of getting in trouble so I made myself as small as possible.
As an adult, I feel so incompetent. It's frustrating because I know people assume I'm just some helpless pathetic loser leeching off his mom but it's not like I would ever choose this. I am a high school drop out, I've never had a job, I have no friends not even aquaintences, the only person I talk to is my mom. I feel so incredibly behind my peers and so isolated. Why would I choose this? I feel like a complete freak, every time I'm in public I feel like everyone can tell, they know I'm subhuman. I work so hard to feel half way normal, but I feel like it'll never be enough, it's too late for me, the damage is done. I'm broken beyond repair.
Wednesday July 23rd 2025
I got a Holter Monitor (a kind of heart rate monitor) hooked up to me right now. Today and part of tomorrow I have to log everything I do which is kind of embarassing, then I get to take it off and later get the results. It's because I've been having heart palpitations, which is probably a weird anxiety thing but I was having them pretty much every day, including days I'm not at all anxious about anything. But it's probably nothing. I get them more when I'm laying down, like when I'm going to bed or waking up. Once I woke up to my heart POUNDING like I had just had a nightmare, except my dream was totally normal, pleasant even, but I woke up as if someone had been trying to kill me in my sleep. It would be good if that happened again now that I have this monitor on to record it, but of course leading up to my appointment for the monitor, my symptoms have lessened. When I talked to my doctor I had palpitations every day, but now it's more like every few days. I was having palpitations right after it was hooked up, but that was definitely anxiety related. I think I wont know the results until a week after. If it is just anxiety I might finally talk about getting medication... I'm just scared of any bad side effects :(
Tuesday July 22nd 2025
They've been doing drilling in the ground where I live and it's so loud I feel like my brain is what's getting drilled. This is in preparation for them tearing down where I live and building a new and improved apartment complex. I have such complicated feelings about this because on one hand this bulding fucking sucks. We have mold. The start of this year our pipes fucking burst because they're old and made of copper. And the building itself is just super ugly and the interior was designed by an alien that doesn't understand how humans live. But on the other hand my mom and I have been waiting on the housing list trying to move to a different city since 2021 and if we are still here next summer when they are tearing this place down we will be relocated somewhere in our current city and then get kicked off the housing list... meaning we will be stuck in this city even longer.
Honestly if that happens I'm just fucking giving up, at that point I'll surrender to the fact I'll be stuck living in the same place for the rest of my life. Unless I suddenly come into a lot of money, then I can live wherever the fuck I want. People who live like that are so lucky. It's not even like the city I live in is bad or anything, I'm proud to be from here, I just find myself so BORED!!! I see the same places and do the same things and I just want to have new experiences in somewhere different. Anyways, I should be lucky I'm not homeless, because if I wasn't in subsidized housing I definitely would be, most rent for a studio or 1 bedroom apartment here is more than what I get from disability. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those vanlife people, but I can't even drive and tbh I'd probably hate the lifestyle. I just like the idea of being able to live wherever you want, exploring and seeing new things. I hate feeling so stuck.
Saturday July 19th 2025
Ughhhh woke up feeling like GARBAGE!!!!! I have had a headache all day and I've been super tired, mostly just lying in bed. I did play Peak a little, and found the capybaras and got the achievement for playing them a little song :) I just started playing three days ago and I'm pretty addicted. I bet it's really fun playing with other people since it is a co-op game but unfortunately I don't play multiplayer games that require voice chat because of my selective mutism. It's still super fun playing alone, so far I've made it to the first and second peaks, but I keep dying at the DAMN alpine level. I hope I feel better tomorrow so I can play more Peak, lol.
Friday July 18th 2025
Well... hello. Nice to meet you. My name is Spy, and I have nothing better to do than make a website to talk about my life. I started keeping a diary the start of this year, and it's really helped my mind be more clear and organized. I guess this is my digital version of that, though I wont go quite as much into detail considering this is public...
I guess I'll talk a bit about who I am. I'm a 23 year old guy from canada, I struggle with my mental health (mostly social anxiety and selective mutism) a lot and I'm pretty lonely most of the time. I used to have online friends but we stopped talking, and for some reason I haven't been able to make new friends since then. I think it's harder to make friends as an adult, if you're still in school you're surrounded by people your age you can talk to but where do you go when you're an adult? I looked online but everyone feels so superficial, I tried these awful apps that are like dating apps but for making friends but everyone on there is so horrifically devoid of personality. You'd think because these apps were for making friends it might be a little better than dating apps, but no, they're full of the same low effort bullshit. I've also tried going on disboard and joining random discord servers, but I never really found one I fit in with.
I guess I just have to continue being alone for a little while longer.